…Because sometimes you just don’t know

 So how did I get here?  Not born, but to this point in my life where deciding on how to handle these adult situations.  Lets back track a little well enough to fill in some blanks I guess.  How does one get to almost 19 years of marriage and not know what the hell is going on?  I can tell you.  When you let bad behaviors that you noticed from the start continue then you get what is the consequence of not getting the hell out a long time ago.  See I am not a “victim” here but sadly I allowed myself to caught up in a would be fairy tale of sorts that essentially was a lie.  Not a lie I was unaware of but I lie that I pretended that I didn’t see and so now here we are.  To my defense (cause I’m the only one who can defend this shit) I made a promise to God that I wouldn’t run from the scary parts of yet another marriage.  This is my third (don’t judge me) and I promised myself that this should be my last (will be just questioning now if it will make it til death do us part).

The problem is there were signs like big ones that I allowed him to explain away or even worse make me think shit was my fault.  I’m not really convinced that not sitting on the couch with you watching tv was great argument for you to have an affair.  Again, I could be wrong hell, look at me now.  This was during therapy that this came out and to boot the therapist kinda said something that just came full circle last week.  During  a conversation with a sister friend as we were talking about why things happen, or getting the answer we feel and believe we are due, she made a statement, “sometimes there is no why”.  In therapy that’s what the therapist said and I called bullshit on that.  Now that’s not to say she was wrong but I didn’t believe it; now I see that she may have been on to something.  What do you mean Drea?  I mean that some people are just greedy asses and that they have no why to explain poor behavior. No why to better explain why you just don’t say to someone, I’m a greedy whore and I want to be married and have a wife but it is my nature to want to fuck other people.  No why to rather than cause a marriage long source of friction (yes, I stayed in an effort to believe that not all things are a deal breaker) you didn’t just say hey dipshit, I’m not happy or you are not giving me enough ass.  (I am so mad right now, I had a lot written here and managed to erase it so now I gotta rewrite it and hell I don’t even remember what I said)

No further why to say I may not be faithful to you forever.  No why to say that after I fuck up I will apologize until you don’t seem mad that I will not talk about it and I pray you don’t either.  No why to explain that I will say that I understand if you decided to leave me and you can have whatever you want, but I wish I could have a reset.  What the hell?  A reset? like you deserve that shit.  Reset my entire ass.  Why do you deserve a reset sir?  Oh I know why, cause you fucking don’t.  So, yeah.  Sometimes there is no why and sometimes you don’t know (you do but you don’t) how you got here. 49 years young and having to reevaluate everything you thought you knew cause what you had been holding onto is disintegrating like an old flower that you didn’t preserve properly.  Crumbly but still in form just waiting to fall all the way apart.  Some days are at least peaceful, no shouting matches.  I can’t give that much energy away, I think I might need it to do other things.  So to the naked eye we have a solid thing going on…no one knows all of the dark corners of a seemingly solid (or at least worked though situations) marriage.  Don’t be so quick to have relationship goals based off someone elses shit because, sometimes you just don’t know.

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