Today this, yesterday that, tomorrow who knows

I believe theren is a saying about if you don’t like the weather in Cincinnati, wait few minutes because it will change. Same sometimes with relationships. I find myself in a quandary on how things or more how I manage to find myself in these precarious situations that question various aspects of my life.

I have just come to terms with an atrocious act that took place during my childhood. It was never discussed or spoken of for obvious reasons. Then at the ripe old age of 50 I thought I would rid myself of the shame associated with the crime that was not mine to take. I was the victim and I should not have been held prisoner by that. Yet, as many before me that was the case. To come clean and talk about it didn’t bring the closure I thought would come. I even sent a message to the perpetrator that they may never read but I put it out there. Yeah, kind of a let down in the way I felt about it as now there were more questions than before. How did the women in the #metoo movement deal with their questions or emotions after opening up? Maybe it’s just the Jane Doe’s, you know the ones that were wronged by people close to them for no fame or fortune that are left in a state of what was the point, after being honest about it and to what end? There is no end game, no podium to stand to demand that the powers to be, be taken down. Not that no one cares so what’s it all for.

Then marriage. What’s that all for? Lord there are too many monkeys in that circus. The thing here is that when you do unto others what they did unto you it’s a problem. Now mind you we’ve done what is not a deal breaker to us already and all the petty shit in between. Here’s what I know about that. No matter the lies I tried to tell myself and I almost believed them, trust like glass once broken is never whole. There will be those little things, reasons, or prodding by the Devil, who gets credit for shit he don’t deserve, that will make you look for things. Now I am as guilty as the next trust-broken wife. So it will forever be the proverbial game of I trust you…today. It’s cool I get it. I played the game long enough it’s cool I get it, it was your turn. I can’t even be mad, why bother. I guess it was my fault talking to an old friend from school in a manner that may be unbecoming for a married woman. Let’s consider though I had just said to the schoolmate in question that I shouldn’t be talking to him this way as I knew it wasn’t right and if the shoe was on the other foot there would be an issue. Boom there you have it. It happened so quickly you tell me you don’t like what’s his name at a moment that was not even in context to anything. I have questions that I won’t ask because it really doesn’t matter. The situation has been properly handled. Lord the work that goes into ain’t for punks.

As I close this whatever it is I will say this. If you are not willing to put in the work that marriage entails then RUN FOREST RUN!!!!

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