Trust – much like glass, once it’s been broken is never the same.

I’m writing this angrily as I have only myself to blame for this. One, I have to rewrite this piece as I didn’t save it the first time. Two, because I am at this juncture of my life…kinda not for the first time.

I have been married for 20 years.

Nice job right? Well only partially. That 20 years comes with a lot of baggage. Heavy, black garbage bag baggage. This marriage is a beacon on the hill of “cheating on each other was not our dealbreaker”. Maybe in retrospect it should have been. You see, the very thing I had been trying to believe was not the case, in fact, is the case. Once trust has been broken, it’s a wrap. While the surface things may be better and look ok to the naked unsuspecting eye, its the shit down on the inside that whoops up on you.

Trust by definition is the firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something. So clearly once one doesn’t feel that they can rely on you or that you are not truthful, you have broken the trust. I am telling you what I know not what I think, once it’s gone…it “appears” to be present; it’s a mirage. Here’s what I know this day. Even after celebrating an monumental anniversary such as a 20 year one, there is always the next corner, or the proverbial waiting for the other shoe to drop. It drops hard, it’s steel toed. The worse part as one who has cheated and one who as been cheated on, no matter the side of the coin, it still stings.

For you see, as it’s said once a cheater always a cheater, I guess that could be too. What’s interesting to me is once you been a looking for shit cause you been cheated on, you will continue to look. Now that, that shit…that’s the shit right there. So all off a sudden you find yourself not even sure how to feel. Your spouse tells you that “the devil was busy” that’s his way of saying it wasn’t his fault he went snooping in your iPad. Not even really sure what he thought he saw as the things he said didn’t make sense and you kinda feel like you can’t be mad…but why?

You claim the iPad was making noise and disturbing your sleep which I know is a got damn lie…nothing bothers your sleep. What you said about what you found again didn’t make sense. Here I am trying not to rock the boat and ask questions or even be mad. Why? Why not be pissed and go off…oh cause this fool slick as butter. He had just had a procedure on his heart…I got played. You claim you weren’t feeling well from that, you hadn’t pooped oh and yeah…you and this dude!! Are you fucking kidding me.

Wanted to know if we had lunch…negative chief dude live in Baltimore? Shit I don’t know Buffalo maybe. Then you had the unmitigated gall to ask if we had slept together…get the fuck outta here man. This pissed me off beyond beyond as I had just shared with him a piece of my life never spoken that would give that an automatic no and this is what you do?? What makes this worse is that I feel like how can I be mad? I guess I’m not mad but feelings hella hurt. We both have hurt each other and as that saying goes, hurt people hurt people. Well, that shit is the gospel truth. I feel as though I kinda set myself up, talking to a guy I NEVER DATED WHO KNEW I WAS MARRIED THAT LIVES OH 500 MILES AWAY. Yeah, I am sure that looks bad? Did I mention we never dated, so there was no rekindling of sexual escapades to rehash. The thought that we had lunch or fucked in our house…that got me right in the throat, damn steel toed boots.

Again, I’m not innocent as I stated we both cheated on each other…and we both lied after the fact. We both went on some form of a snoop feast based on whatever reasoning we had. The devil however ain’t make me do shit. I am nosey as hell and a time or two was just blatantly looking for shit. Nothing to find. The one time I looked and found again it hurt. I was with a woman you swear was just a friend…yous a damn lie. I said Yous I sure did. Details don’t matter but you seemed taken aback when I stated that if the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn’t be so gracious. Here we fucking are. Difference is you were planning to hook up with this broad, unless I was making a road trip then there is no way in hell I was having lunch in Buffalo. Am I entitled to my feelings? You got damn right I am. Are we both wrong, potentially. I guess an apology for looking in my iPad is just as useless as apologizing for talking to an old friend??

I don’t fucking know. I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of what in the fuck is going on now. My attitude has changed. I don’t really have anything to say to him cause I’m not sure it will be nice. My got damn feelings are hurt shit. Then I start that awful second guessing every fucking decision I’ve ever mad in my damn life. That’s bout as useless as tits on a bull. This is what I do. I call myself, or I told myself the lie of this is me processing this shit. Lies, it was a lie when I said it and it’s still a fucking lie.

So now what…fuck iount know. Ride this out til I got to therapy next week? I’m taking the approach if he don’t ask me nothing I don’t have to say anything,…I think that’s the definition of passive aggressive – yeah I looked it up. So what!! I can do what I want, now I sound like a brat, I don’t care!! Just when you think you got this adult bullshit figured out, the rug is pulled out from under your. Down goes Frazier and all the things you thought were ok. The house of cards is now just a pile in the middle of the floor. 52 card pick up…we start over yet again.