I’m writing this angrily as I have only myself to blame for this. One, I have to rewrite this piece as I didn’t save it the first time. Two, because I am at this juncture of my life…kinda not for the first time.
I have been married for 20 years.
Nice job right? Well only partially. That 20 years comes with a lot of baggage. Heavy, black garbage bag baggage. This marriage is a beacon on the hill of “cheating on each other was not our dealbreaker”. Maybe in retrospect it should have been. You see, the very thing I had been trying to believe was not the case, in fact, is the case. Once trust has been broken, it’s a wrap. While the surface things may be better and look ok to the naked unsuspecting eye, its the shit down on the inside that whoops up on you.
Trust by definition is the firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something. So clearly once one doesn’t feel that they can rely on you or that you are not truthful, you have broken the trust. I am telling you what I know not what I think, once it’s gone…it “appears” to be present; it’s a mirage. Here’s what I know this day. Even after celebrating an monumental anniversary such as a 20 year one, there is always the next corner, or the proverbial waiting for the other shoe to drop. It drops hard, it’s steel toed. The worse part as one who has cheated and one who as been cheated on, no matter the side of the coin, it still stings.
For you see, as it’s said once a cheater always a cheater, I guess that could be too. What’s interesting to me is once you been a looking for shit cause you been cheated on, you will continue to look. Now that, that shit…that’s the shit right there. So all off a sudden you find yourself not even sure how to feel. Your spouse tells you that “the devil was busy” that’s his way of saying it wasn’t his fault he went snooping in your iPad. Not even really sure what he thought he saw as the things he said didn’t make sense and you kinda feel like you can’t be mad…but why?