Listen to me Linda’s and Larry’s!!!! This piece was born out of a dope conversation while I was out being grown on a Tuesday night. A school night. Lol. I won’t lie, when the gentleman I was talking to said that, I was suddenly inspired. Pick your pain. These three words had just summed up my recent and new found freedom I just acquired through much work on this journey called life. My personal journey is called Being My Best Self Ever.
In doing this and walking this path, I realized that in this area where I still had not yet gotten closure and I was stuck, not just stuck but was slightly paralyzed. I was in a place where I saw that I needed to do just a bit more work to be Free (shameless plug to one of my latest podcast Discussions by Drea simply called Free) from one major source of my pain. Sidebar: as I was in preparation of writing this piece I was sent a book title to read, This History of Scars by Laura Lee. Here’s what I know about how things work; that was not an accident.
This book came out the gate double barrel firing. The author narrated this story of her life and the PAIN, she endured. Now unbeknownst to me as I started this book was that it would tie all of this latest stretch of my journey all together. As she laid out in her book she had been in pain. Family drama and trauma, a suicide attempt, failed relationships and lastly a diagnosis of schizophrenia which then made it all make sense. Instead of my lightbulb coming on mine did that thing a bulb does right before it goes out. Boom!!! This book had so timely laid out all of the things that I had been slowly putting together, via blogs, podcasts and those moments that I talk to myself in the mirror, playing the what if game.
It was at this moment I realized that I was at the end of this part of my journey. I had come to the part where I no longer was held by the pains of my past. I had come to the end of that road. I was graduating, moving the tassel of my cap from right to left. What a time what a time. Much like the author in this book I too had been over a number of years tapping into my personal struggles; failed marriages, depression, sexual abuse, depression, anxiety and questionable relationships with family. When I tell you the exhale was huge and cleansing, it was all of that.
It was my message, strict confirmation from the universe, that it was in fact time to move on. I didn’t have to wonder if I was worthy of love, because yes, yes I am. I didn’t have to question why I was treated the way I was, some of it was my own undoing for my failure to heal my own brokenness, the other was being in relationship with another broken individual who had yet to deal with his own issues. The anxiety and depression twins may stay with me for the rest of my days and I’m oddly ok with that because they keep me from falling too far into the dark place. The dark place is real. It is a painful place but, as long as you can see the light you know that there is a way out. Recognize your triggers and how they work. The pain from triggers is a different type of situation because you don’t always see it coming and then boom, hit in the face with a brick. Emotional pain is a hell of a thing. Physical pain is one thing but emotional torture from the inside out is a pain of indescribable proportions and it’s one of those things no one can help you with but you.
Pick your PAIN!!!! Let that marinate in your spirit. I’d be writing for days if I went through all the scenarios where I had to pick the thing that was going to take me out in that moment. Just too much honey. Too damned much. PICK your pain, this or that. These or those, that one or those three…pick it!! There are episodes in our lives, where we are just beyond the point of no return. The pain that we endure can hit us when we least expect it and it will hit us with a force that is so unbearable we believe at that very moment you are on your way to meet your maker, then you realize it’s not quite time yet…so what do you do? Fix your life!! Pick YOUR pain.