So, if you know me, you kind of know a few things about me:
1. I am super sensitive, not always during the proper times or about things that directly concern me but if you cry I cry, the reason isn’t always necessary for me to know why.
2. I am passionate about the things that matter to me. Don’t mess with my family (my true friends are family. I have few just friends, that’s just how I roll), don’t mess with my heart, my feelings and don’t above all things fuck me over….
3. I hold a grudge longer than it’s necessary and I care much longer than I should about things and people that should long have been let go of.
In my life, I have been through it…whatever it was, I done done it!!! Yes, I said it just how I meant it. I have had reason, to be mad, mean, ugly to folks, simply a bitch. However, to be called on your mess hits different; at least for me. I don’t want to be that person, sadly I have been that person but I don’t like it, I don’t like who I am at that time, even worse when you are no longer in that space but are then made to know that you have been that person, for me…it hurt. It hurt me because that means at some point, my behavior hurt someone and I don’t like that. Sidebar – if you were one of the reasons that I was being stank then you may have gotten stank in return and for that I say it with my chest – I am NOT SORRY!!!! I will talk to Jesus about that later.
My direction for this particular blog is driven by the fact that I have come to learn on my journey in this thing called life that I have to own my shit and face the things that cause the hard growth of me; I am determined to be the best me – and if I have to grovel and apologize profusely after causing some harm or hurt, then I will do that because I know how it feels to be hurt by people that say they love you and that my friends is a shitty ass feeling.
As I have laid my life out in my blogging today is also a day of revelation in the positive. I have a reason to smile, a lifeline if you will, has found me, not that I was sinking but I had just decided to float along and whatever currents pushed me along I would just ride them out.. floating along, with no real destination and just being….kinda simple right? Well. yeah…but this lifeline has changed my direction, my attitude and has given me a “sparkle” in my eye…wink wink.
In some ways, I guess due to my own blinders I didn’t realize that I was being “a way”, as the kids say I was feeling some type of way, but I didn’t realize it nor was I called on it until recently, hence this blog. What’s your Tell? It’s been said and I’ve heard that it is obvious when a woman needs sexual attention as her attitude becomes obviously poor to put it nicely.
An attitude adjustment was needed. I don’t know if it was that I needed that type of attitude adjustment as a manner of speak or if I was just over it all, relationships mostly but just trying to figure out what a relationship looked like for me, because in some strange alternate universe we are only as good as being in a relationship yields us to be… now, that’s stupid but I didn’t make the rule.
What’s My Tell. Its been pointed out that my happiness is a tell. Yikes, how does that work exactly? Well my mood in the last 30 plus days admittedly has been on a high note. There is a great reason for that and that will be in a future writing (Let’s rewrite the story). My being happy now has apparently shed light on the fact that my attitude or mood had been pretty lackluster and even maybe (as I just got this thought)…I hadn’t been happy in a very long time. Yikes…How long was that ugliness on display?
My happiness did not depend on someone else. My happiness had to be my responsibility. Whew, now that’s a word. Nonetheless, I had to figure out what that looked like and what exactly that needed to be, what does that even mean? Well, let me explain. When you have been so used to being someone’s wife that you then lose your identity and you are just so and so’s wife…well I ditched so and so and was now trying to figure out how to do this thing called life on my own (insert Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald). It’s taken about 2 and 1/2 years more like 3 if you count from the time the marriage ended, but no need in splitting hairs…the shit was over.
Anywhoozle, I had to figure out how to navigate my current life, alone and alone. The only relationship that mattered was the one with myself. It needed work…lots of work. My Tell is my smile.
I smile all the time, but my smile is a tell. I have been told here lately that my smile it talking a lot, she is telling those who can hear her, that there is something going on in my life that warrants her to glow just a little brighter. Maybe it’s the fact that I have ascended like the Phoenix through the ashes (also called the shit show of my former life) to live again, to love again, to be free to laugh with reckless abandon and not feel ashamed. I have been in the darkest parts of my own life for far too long…Welcome Andrea, glad you are here.
My tell. My smile, and for that I will not apologize. Do you know how nice it is to have butterflies when you hear a certain tone on your phone? How your face lights up with the thought of something he said, or how you are excited by his phone call? I don’t know about you but that sounds like an awesome place to be. My tell is my happier disposition and I can’t be more excited about this current place in life.
My tell, my tell. His name is….
to be continued***