Can love be a fairytale?

I used to believe in the happily ever after. Like it was my job to believe in that. I always wanted to ride into my golden years with the man that said he loved me and all the other lies he told also known as wedding vows and until death do us part and all that jazz…Then I had the harsh realization that that is the stuff movies are made of. Ain’t no Prince Charming coming to save me. I am all on my own (insert Patti LaBelle). The worse and sad part of this terrible story for me is that it could have been…avoided but once again, I made the mistake of ignoring the red flags and believing kissing the frog would make a difference. Yeah, it was a freaking set up. So here I sit, on the cusp of my 54th birthday and my third divorce. There was a time a year or so ago where that was so distressing to me. What the hell was wrong with me? As I was the common denominator I was under the belief (kinda) that it had to be my fault right? How could I fail thrice at the same thing?

Well as my therapist told me, if you don’t have the tools for the job no matter how many times you do it, you won’t succeed. Whew, that blew my wig back. I never thought of it that way. Just because I did it, didn’t mean I was equipped for it. Mind Blown in freaking deed. Never would have looked at it that way, thank God for my therapist. So now what? If there is no happily ever after what is there? What is the next move? What’s the highlight now? What am I working towards?

I mean what the hell am I supposed to do now? I want love, hell if I can find somebody to just like me for a few days a week that gotta be better than feeling like I got an F on the love life test and there are no do overs…That’s an awful thought right, but it was a real thought and I was the owner of said thought and I was sad. Why did love hate me? Why was I not as worthy as my friends to get the happy ever after? I believed that this was the narrative for my life, and the more you tell yourself bullshit you tend to believe.it. I believed that I was unloveable, that I was unworthy of love and in the end that it just wasn’t for me. How sad is that narrative for your life?

Here is what I know today. Love is an action word and as my mother says love is what it does. I love hard and I love enough that I know that love is not missed on me. However it makes me wonder how love could not like me enough to just constantly miss me. I figured it out…it was here all along. I didn’t love myself. Until you do that not matter what you do, love ain’t trying to waste it’s time and effort on your. Whew, I needed a cigarette after that realization. The narrative I was telling myself was a whole lie. Although my relationships failed that didn’t mean love wasn’t present. Clearly there were other factors at play that were responsible for the demise of these relationships, love was not the issue solely. I loved them, they may have loved me in their way but love was not enough and the was just simply what that was.

The love I reference seems to be of a different caliber. Fairy Tale love seems to be exclusive of the bullshit of life right? Well we never see the story long enough to see the first argument or the fight after Prince Charming gets caught looking at another princess’s behind as she gets out of her carriage. Surface love is one thing but true love runs deeper right? So here.s my take away. Be the love you wish to receive but also know that you don’t always get back what you put out.

Fairy Tales are based off the happily after after, but it comes with a price if it comes at all. I am still a believer in love and in fairytales because I need to believe that it’s going to happen for me. I understand the difference now though. I was loved based on their ability to love me where I was. The me of today is in a much better place than the me of just two years ago. My fairy tale is coming, in a different way. There is.a man somewhere in the stratosphere that will love me for the person I am, just as I am, and not demand or require that I change to fit his narrative. Fairytales- the magic of love, the belief in there is someone for everyone and when he or she is found you will know. There may not be seven dwarfs romping around but the birds will sing different, your smile might be bigger and your heart will definitely be fuller.

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