Part I: The spirit of brokenness that starts at home
Now, listen when I tell you this writing has moved around in format and content as things unfold and I get more fuel for the fire. There are so many broken people in this world; either they know they are and have decided to just live with it or they know they are and don’t even know where to begin to seek or get help. Either scenario is pretty bad. One is bad because you feel like being in a “funk” is just who you are and although it may cause issues in relationships it’s just “how you are”. The other is to the degree, you know how you are broken (parent, family member, close friend etc.) and yet, where do you start? How do you start? This person especially if a parent makes this process most difficult.
I’ll share a story. My very own mother whom I love dearly was a mean ass woman in my opinion as a child, and well if I’m honest she is still mean, but I can talk back now so it’s different. When I was younger, she said to me on several occasions, “If I put your brain in a bird it would fly backwards”. TODAY I can laugh while telling this story, I was distraught, and confused and all my life I had to fight…through this statement. Did she think I was stupid? Was I stupid? What else did she think about me? How could I prove her wrong? Did I mention I was distraught?? I was broken behind this statement and didn’t really realize it until many sessions in therapy, not just for that but for other broken issues, but that was a big one.
I didn’t realize that this was STILL such a big issue for me until pretty recent. My sister and I while doing our show “Rosa’s Daughters” were discussing the book The 4 Agreements and the chapter on being impeccable with your words came up. I was hot!!! I am of the belief that if you said something to me then, it’s mine and it’s personal and more than that you meant what you said. On top of that if you said it then there must be some truth to it (now that part is not always the case but when you are broken negativity sticks like glue). Not only does it stick but you tend to wear it like some backwards badge of honor and it’s hard to shake. Well, in my case anyway. It was during this conversation and heated exchange with my sister and our audience that I then decided to let that shit go. In addition to some much needed prayer and need to move out of the rabbit hole of my life that had gotten very comfortable to live in. I needed to GET OUT!! So I am glad to report that as of today I am free…
The major take away here is that we don’t have to be held hostage by our thoughts and feelings by those who we love but hurt us in ways unimaginable. Its hard to fathom that my mothers words , whether intentional or not would sting and for so long. I admit I am an emotional person and holder oner of mostly negative experiences why that is I don’t know but I am hard at work to change that narrative. I am well on my way of being a let er goer of the things that I have no longer any use for. One could say from any of my writings to date that I should have let go of most of that shit a long time ago, however I am usually late to the party and am slow in some instances and that has proven to be best for me on my journey and mode of healing and moving on this journey of life. I am here to win, it might not be pretty but I’m going to win.
Part II: The Spirit of Brokenness in your marriage.
The one thing I’ve learned from being hurt, is how to bounce back. It ain’t always a big bounce, a high bounce or a noticeable bounce but it’s a matter of not rolling over and dying.
This particular writing comes out of not JUST my story but the stories of women everywhere that have been torn down by the very people who claim to love them. Let me make a disclaimer here: This is currently not my issue; however I can commiserate with my sisters of the struggle, past or present. Now, let’s get into this.
The sad truth sometimes that as wives, boos or baes we allow ourselves sometimes unknowingly, to become too entwined with our mate to the point we are no longer ________ (insert your name), instead we become “his wife”, “the wife” or that’s so and so’s old lady. Excuse me, I have a name!!! Once you lose or give your identity away its a w r a p. Is it a control technique? Possible but what I am sure of is that if you lose yourself in them, it’s hell getting it back especially if it is a control issue. Like getting your arm out of the mouth of Jaws; you might have some of it, most of it or none of it, however you still are alive and then you fight on. That’s what’s key. What am I saying? Glad you asked!!!
The lesson here is multifaceted. What I have come to realize in surviving a broken spirit IN a broken marriage is that I still won. I got out. I realized that in order to live my best life it was going to have to be a solo mission. I could not nor would I continue to live under thumb of a man bent on doing what he wanted but wanted me to live as if I had to do what he said. No SIR!!! Further, I had given my whole self to him and this marriage. I was no longer seen and that was NOT ok. Well for him it was fine but I had had enough. Enough of the infidelity, enough of the disrespect, enough of dimming my light for him to shine…church finger up…I’M OUT!!!
As it was told to me and then it became the truth of the matter, when you get tired only you will know and then you will make the necessary adjustments; and so it was. I had started doing the work necessary to get me back prior to ending my marriage. Once I made and STUCK with the decision to leave then the harder work started. Learning to unlearn all the negative things I had become. Now it was time to break from the shell of the person I had become. Toxic environments change you. Mentally, I was exhausted, I was sad, I believed that I was not worthy of love or decent relationships. Physically, I was (am) heavier than I’d like to be but didn’t love myself as I should. Emotionally I was mean and evil (from what I was told), not at all pleasant to be around. Who wants to deal with that?!!
The last three years have been about restoration and evolving. I’m making it do what it do. I am happy (GMO; you must read my blog We aren’t lost we just aren’t there yet, for the clue on that), I am fulfilled in life at this juncture of the journey I’m on, I am free – again that word. I’m free from the burden of trying to make someone happy who was not happy with himself, free from not living MY LIFE FOR ME, free to smile and mean it.
Life is full of moments and I am creating and making all of the moments count. Being broken does not have to be a constant state. Fix yourself, release those things and people that don’t mean you any good and find a reason to smile every day. Lastly, love yourself and others will have no choice but to follow suit.