BIG FEELINGS

Let it GO!!

This blog is the sister to my podcast done on Anchor (supported by Spotify) called Time to let it Go (shameless plug), although the title of this blog was made a few days ago. I have started listing my topics and then filling in the content as it comes to me.

Relatively unbeknownst to me, this title would be filled in relatively fast. Time to let go was born out of the sermon from church today as we are talking about finding Joy. Part of finding Joy is in the release of the past…this is where those BIG FEELINGS came back into play and tied right in.

So to heal and find Joy, it’s necessary to release the past and with that comes forgiveness. Here’s what I know to be true. Forgiveness ain’t always easy (YES I SAID AIN’T) but it’s absolutely mandatory in order to move forward. Forgiveness is not just for the people that you hurt but it’s crucial to your own growth. What is apparent is that the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. Now that is a whole word. I have done a great deal of work in being healed and in freeing myself from the strongholds of others but let me tell you, that chokehold that I have had on myself is a wrestling nightmare. I had been losing consecutive rounds, for years. I had to come to terms with the fact that while I can unlearn certain behaviors, try to shut out the harsh words spoken to me or about me, and unbelieve the lies that were told to me and about me.

Whew. Well, therapy helped a lot, and I learned how to talk myself down so that I wasn’t living with my therapist. It is amazing to me how quickly I can find myself right back in those dark places. While there is comfort in being in places you have already been, it’s not okay to use that as a buffer. Living in hurt places to avoid being hurt again is toxic behavior and it doesn’t work. So I had to decide that I had to do better for a myriad of reasons. I was only hurting myself, I was stunting my own growth and quite frankly I was mentally exhausted. So here we are. I have decided today that I will start the season of letting shit go. I am sure I have done this season before but it’s always worth it to do again especially if you might not have gotten it all out the first 5011 times.

Here is my list of Fall 2022 stuff to let go of (again or all of it this time):

  1. People that serve no purpose in my life. Be that thinking about them in any capacity. This one is stupid. Clearly, they gave no fukks about me but I still care. This is not gendered specific.
  2. Asking why? It doesn’t matter love, so stop asking. Why didn’t he love me enough? Why did he cheat? Why wasn’t I enough? Why was I assaulted? Why Why WHY??????? Shit, this too. It doesn’t matter and it can’t be undone. Why – it has no answer that will ever be satisfactory so stop ASKING!!! LET THIS SHIT GO! Throw it away and set the fucking can on fire. It’s time to move on. This is more just what did I do to deserve it moreso than why it happened, either way – exhale and let it be gone. I just read something that said I’m damaged as hell but I’ll never hurt anyone the way I’ve been hurt. I felt that in my entire soul.
  3. This one though, ughh. Matters of the heart. I don’t even want to admit the ones that fall under here. Sigh. I will just believe that what is for me, is for me and when I’m supposed to have it it will be and I will know and it will be good. Know that this answer was typed with moist eyes and gritted teeth. After being married for 20-plus years and finding yourself single and trying to date…it’s unnerving. Even that, I gotta let all of that go. It was and is part of the history of me and will and can have no large segment on future endeavors, right? Oy vey.

I just want to unscrew my head, dump my brain out and wash it off!!! Clean it up a bit and then put it on the shelf. I want to turn my thoughts off and not worry about things I have no control, however, I can’t find the open tab on my head. This is not a doable task, sigh. I had to write that because I thought it was worth putting down. I digress. I just grow weary at moments and don’t wanna be a responsible adult anymore. It blows chunks. I have to giggle a little because this writing has gone off the rails. I just want to be empty of all the things that hurt. LETTING IT GO, that’s where we started right? So, letting go we shall. It will require a lot of deep breathing probably. Maybe some tears will be shed as it is said it helps in the healing process and cleansing so that will probably be happening too. Whatever needs to happen it needs to happen fast, cause I’m already exhausted at the thought.

The end game of this is to live a JOYful life. As we clean out all the junk and the gunk to have room to receive all that is joyful. It should also grant peace. Those two are like peas and carrots to me, they should be together.

So let’s purge ourselves, free ourselves, release ourselves then be open to receive all the joy, love and peace that is ours to have.

2 thoughts on “BIG FEELINGS

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