Old habits don’t really die…they manifest differently


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Listen, when I tell you I am my own worst enemy, believe me. I have been so scarred that I can talk myself into a whole meltdown about shit that ain’t got nothing to do with me. Who does that on purpose? The answer is me, figured I’d give you the answer. Let me tell you. Even with being “healed” from most trauma in my life, I am still the absolute worse when it comes to matters of the heart. I am today years old, still having to talk myself down from the roof, not literally, because I am such a head case. Only my close friends know the extent of what that looks like so I will spare you all the funny yet sad ass details of that but I will share this. If I’m in, I’m in. When I care, I care too much, maybe too soon and obviously to the point of detriment of myself. It’s stupid crazy, and try as I might, I can’t help myself.

It’s been said that I give my energy to the wrong things or in the wrong way. To that I say….so what!!! It’s mine to use anyway that I want to because I am THE ONLY boss of me!!!! Secretly sullen because they might be right. I am, and I have used this term before in other writings, a terrible holder oner of shit. I was asked if I felt better after this most current explosion of energy (possibly) not misdirected but given at too high a velocity. NO, no I didn’t feel better because I was still in my feelings that I even had to be worked up in the first place. That, makes sense to me, a self proclaimed holder oner, but my non paid therapist did not agree. Sigh. The thing I’ve come to realize, in talking to myself throughout the day was that I am this way NOW, because I wasn’t that way before. I would allow myself to eat my feelings, and take all the shit that was thrown at me, not fight back until I was cornered then it was no holds barred. NOW, I’m swinging out the gate at the first sign of inconvenience. I know, I know…counterproductive. I don’t know when, well now that I am writing this I kinda do know when I became this emotional creature. When I got my me back, when I stopped being passive about shit. However I may have skipped the middle part and gone right to the other extreme. Clearly my middle is non existent.

Yikes. That’s one great thing about blogging, I am in real time and this is coming to me as I type. Whew, I am leaving it all here on the page. Wow, I might be a little high strung in this area of my life. While I won’t apologize for it, I will at least recognize that its here and that I might need to redirect a little bit. Sigh. I mean is it a horrible thing to be emotionally passionate? Of course not but it should be governed accordingly right? Levels to the passion, I get that but I go from 1 to 54 like fast….I will admit though I have had the situation where I jumped too fast and had to offer apologies and I’m okay with that. Shit, I’m emotional, and passionate and hell, if I care I care. This can not be a bad thing because if it is I am done for. Here’s the thing…I did a lot of self reflection today, while I am who I am I can always better my best (Les Brown), another unpaid therapist statement. It’s true, I go in HARD and I give 169 percent each and E V E R Y time. I had to laugh because that’s a lot…like a whole LOT!!! Sigh, why am I this way? I don’t know, well, cause shoot I’m extra. Maybe just tightly wound, emotionally driven and passionate beyond belief??? Maybe I’m just a big ball of cuckoo for something (other than coco puffs, those are gross).

No matter the answer or opinion to the above half asked questions, I’m better than I was. Now that’s funny. You are probably reading this thinking well shit, how much worse could this have been. Oh, so much worse, I mean like worse times 100, yeah it was bad. So that’s progress right? Sigh. I can say that I am feeling better than I have in a few days, and I will top this off with a nice piece of cheesecake (insert happy dance with whipped cream on my face). Sigh. So my promise to myself going into the rest of this year…sigh, calm it down sister! Take some deep breaths, just don’t hyperventilate, do something to decompress (even though I thought I did but I kept breaking the tips of my coloring sticks), woosah!!!! I mean I might mess this up a couple more times before I get it close to right but I’m gonna try. That doesn’t mean I won’t be all worked up again soon about something else that ain’t mine to claim. I have to, some way still learn not take things personal, that’s it. That’s the post, whatever it is that makes one take everything personal, I got that disease. It’s not contagious and there is no cream for it.

Sigh. I know, I know, one of the Four Agreements tells us not to take things personal and here I am again, taking stuff all personal and it ain’t mine to carry. I must do better, sigh, I can only try. Each day is a gift. In that gift is the opportunity to be better than the day before. Sigh. Tomorrow is going to be a better day, with properly directed energy, I will keep my emotions in check, (insert side eye and maniacal laughter) and mind my manners.

Giggles, yeah ok!

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