no one ever heard it…

I have been told that I have a flair for the dramatic and as an author, you kind of need that for a good story. Now this story that I am going to lay out is real…it happened, it may be a bit shall we say embellished but, in my head, in my soul and in the terror that was filled in that room this is just the way it went down.

Ok. So I didn’t get eaten by the monster, thank God for that.

I heard something about 5:31 a.m. this particular morning and I swear it was under my bed. I immediately screamed (hadn’t seen anything but it felt necessary) and grabbed the 4 iron that I was gifted by a church member fondly known as Grandpa Marshall. I was a mess. I did a sweep with the club as best I could from the safety of my bed hoping to shoo the “monster” away. Once I got the courage to run, I sought refuge in the bathroom cause of course monsters don’t pee. I showered and sadly remembered, dang I get dressed in the bedroom. Golf club in hand I walked carefully back to the lair of the beast, where again I heard it making the worse scratching noise like it was ripping something apart. Now imagine you are standing looking at your bed expecting some monster (no matter how large or small, it was going to eat your face off…this is how this was playing in my mind), I made the dash for my clothes and retreated safely to dining room. A sad realization came upon me…damn I need panties. I bravely ran back to the place of my surely impending death with club in hand to grab whatever pair was on top; penguins oh well I would die with my favorite animal on my underwear, what a way to go. I got dressed but now I needed my jewelry (cause if I made it out alive, I gotta go to work and that requires earrings). Lucky for me it was already laid out on the dresser, so again I do the brave dash – boom back to the safe haven of the dining room. Now I’m all dressed.

It ain’t even 6:00 a.m. Ughh!!! So I piddled around and made myself look less scary, my daily skin routine, some mascara and did my hair all again from the monster free zone i.e. the bathroom. As I went back to the dining room, to look for evidence of the monster, I heard it again and decided since I only died a little bit it was time to leave. It was only 6:30 a.m., but I decided I didn’t like this house that much and left for work.

While at work reminiscing about where I used to live, I texted my friend Frank, who I knew was not working today and asked if he was going anywhere in the area and he said yes. I let him know of the the monster that moved my bed (a queen sized) and I gave him all access to the house, at this point I texted him 5011 times with all the instructions on where to look for said beast because in the land where I was this thing had a team and they were all over the house. He was instructed to check every space and I implored him to slay the evil beast that lurked around.

He failed!! He found nothing, didn’t hear nothing. HOW????? Dang men!! This was proof that their ears were just for decoration because ain’t no way he didn’t hear ANYTHING!!!! Like NOTHING!!!!! So as I head home after a doctors appointment, I talked to Frank who assured me that I was safe. 98.9% he said, so I walk in the house on the phone with Frank cause I needed someone to call 911 if the monster was waiting to pounce. He lied. I was ending a phone call, and my soul left my body; magnify the worse sound you ever heard…. I hear it again! Oh hell no! Frank is now in cahoots with the monster and they trying to kill me. I called both neighbors and Frank since he messed up the first time! They all look around find other anomalies but nothing to ease my fear. Frank sat here with me a good hour. No noise. WTF! I’m so mad. I just knew that they all thought for sure I was crazy, no more doubt, they see it in real time. I did notice Frank had hit the wall a few times in case the monster was inside there, as was the belief that the monster was in the wall… was that supposed to make me feel better…cause it didn’t. While my one neighbor was still at the house I asked him to refill the trap that they has put down earlier this year with more peanut butter. Just as a safety precaution.

So after they left and I wrote out my will I kept knocking on the wall, with my bat that was found under the bed. Frank found it during his first trip to the house. Maybe that was the trick. I was so annoyed, and just wanted to get in my bed.. or my death trap. While deciding what pjs I was gonna die in I heard something in the back, I know it wasn’t the monster but something of a positive note. I eventually tip in the bathroom and in the humane trap sat a little grey mouse (he was kinda cute) a deadly killer of single ladies with large imaginations.

Ecstatically I called my neighbor to come get the vicious killer. He took him out and was going to release him in the school yard up the street. I hoped he lived in peace somewhere else. Whew. The rest of the night though, I listened with intent to every sound, E V E R Y SOUND. I didn’t sleep well, although I was sure I would live through the night, I was leery…what if he left friends or told them his whereabouts and if they didn’t hear from him by a certain time they were to come looking for him. So I slept with some running if I had to clothes and my magic bat near by…just in case. Whew. What a Monday.

2 thoughts on “no one ever heard it…

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