It’s just so much…too much too much!!!!!

This will be a writing of emotions and thoughts. I may be losing the punctuation because I just want to write how I feel what I feel as I feel it.

My mind is all over the freaking place, sad, unsure, anxious, hurt, annoyed, pissed the entire fuck off!!! There is so much going on in this year of sight 2020. What a fucking year. Husband moved out (this needed to happen and I initiated it and that’s been the highlight so far – it is what it is), Corona and now riots. Corona, COVID 19, the year 2020 all of that so far has been the perfect storm. Shit is everywhere, nothing makes sense people are dying in astronomical numbers. Currently black lives matter is in week 3 of protest after the killing of George Floyd and countless others. We are tired of being sick and tired. When will this all end. There has to be a better way. Those three events hold a lifetime of emotions that are way beyond what should be acceptable in just 6 months. Life comes at you fast, I get it but damnit. Life is a full amusement park of emotions. The ones that make you just go round and round, others that have you kinda of sick from all the spinning and then the rollercoasters that take you way up high and drop your ass so fast you don’t have the time to scream and by the time the ride is over you have either decided to never ride that fucker again, or you are running in line because now you are chasing a high that you enjoyed way too much.

Anxiety and depression are the most unexplainable two situations I have ever had to deal with. I know how I feel, but you can’t explain that to someone who doesn’t have those evil twins because it’s not a regular feeling to explain. Even in that definition someone won’t get it. Hell I don’t get it and it’s my own shit. Relationships (friendships) are hard, you miss people you shouldn’t, you want people sometimes you can’t have, or you just need some mind blowing nasty sex and there is no one to scratch that itch for you – now we have frustration and irritableness to add to our fucked up stew. Yes, this is all me. Understand that I know this is me, I have a therapist and psychiatrist and I still have moments, weeks, episodes that I am spiraling out of control. I’m not NOT functioning, I’m not NOT getting out of bed or going out (as Covid restrictions allow) but I am still getting up going to work or working from home (those days are hard) I am eating, not drinking too much hell I even started to exercise. This is beyond an experience but I still keep keeping on. Even, get this shit, still having the wherewithal to encourage someone else. Now wait…the blind leading the blind…one might say. I just don’t know…it’s all a bit of a cluster and the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be a fake planted by Wiley Coyote.

I figured if I wrote all this down it would stop the riots by the purple minions in my head. They are running a muck for sure. There are fires, tears, a stack of turned over furniture and copious amounts of screaming. All the while, I am maintaining whatever sense of “normalcy” I need to to survive to live another day. I craft, I write, I do diamond dots puzzles and play word games….yet, YET…sometimes its still not enough to quiet the “crazy” (that’s what I call it). Some nights I’m in bed before 8 or 9. I’m sleepy (or I guess that could be those bouts where the depression makes me tap out early) and I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. That’s ok though right? I mean hell I’m almost 52 and if I want to go to bed then damnit I’ll go to bed and sleep the night away…SLEEP…my forever foe.

Wow, I started this in June and never finished or published which makes this even better. Since the beginning of this particular blog…not much has changed. We are still in the decade year 2020. Presidential debates…vice presidential debate ..”I’m Speaking” and the infamous fly. The crazy is some better and I’ve lost 26 pounds. Life is still an interesting turn of events. People are weird and can be so rude and inconsiderate. Leave people alone if you have no intention on treating them right. Be honest at a minimum and let them decide if they want the program you are offering. Geeze!!! Assholes.

People are going through things we may never be aware of…be kind. I mean really kind. Love harder and more. Be a better friend than ever before because what I know to be true of my friends is that they are real people, they hurt, they get scared, they cry and when I am privy to those emotions I help them with that…I cry a lot sometimes for the pains shared with me cause I hurt with and for them…I help them with their pain. That’s how I see it. They don’t have to share their lives but when they do it’s my responsibility to be there for them in whatever way they need me to be. Just today at time of this blog….one friend has had a life changing situation, one friend over thought herself into a tizzy yesterday for an appointment, my own heart which seems to be held together with packing tape and 8 bubble gums…its working and open and that is a major plus.

Here’s to going through the rest of this decade year unscathed as much as possible. Let’s all stay prayed up, liquored up…whatever means you need to make it though December 31…if you need to be friend-ed up…I got you.