Is it me, or is it you? Is life really this hard or do boys really have cooties?

ADULT LANGUAGE

I used to believe in fairy tales. Knights in shiny armor rides in, slays the beast and saves the princess. Sigh. I used to also believe (even in my brokenness) that my last marriage would last forever, as is was a fairy tale of sorts, SIGH!! Today, as I sit at my desk, working but in deep thoughts about life in it’s current state, I was compelled to pound this out. I’ve heard the phrase about matching energy thrown about and never had it hit me as it has these past few week. It’s coupled with the phrase that when people show you who they are, believe them. I always say that I am usually late to the party and it’s sadly that way with this situation. I won’t say sadly but here I am. I can and will admit that sometimes my slowness is born out of sheer stubbornness and my defiance to acknowledge what is in front of my face. SIGH, yet here I am once again to navigate further what is the current state of my life. This is NOT an oh poor thing, or woe is me situation, not at all. It’s the continuation and further development into my yet best self and in that I have to grapple with some harsh and not secret facts of life.

In this last month or so I have taken up an unscientific test of sorts. I opted to not reach out to the male species specifically that I would otherwise talk to or chat with during the course of the week. Not one of them dusty assess have called, texted or otherwise. Now let’s be clear, they don’t owe me shit. Ain’t no body got no claims to stake this way or me that way. However, at least two of them pretended they liked me some kind of way. Lies. Hard core lies. As we all know in a 24 hour period there is always a moment in time to send a Hi, Hey big head, WYD or something in a text message. My phone be dry as the dessert in summer. Now, if I reach first then sure, it’s the barrage of memes, jokes and yada yada. SO I’m good enough to respond to but not great enough to reach out to FIRST….whew…let me gather my feelings.

A few things to mention, said persons all live out of state, we are not in any type of relationship (meaning we just cool, ain’t no commitments) although the conversations may have skirted that topic clearly, well no I won’t say that. I will just say that maybe I require too much. Maybe I expect at a minimum a text to say hi, I was thinking about you, I miss you, you make my meat move (oh my goodness that was funny to me) something, anything, DAMN!! Is it me? Do I ask for too much? I am going to stand on a NO, I don’t ask for too much, but clearly the wrong people are being asked. See, I am trying to unlearn a lot of my own bad habits. Like inserting myself into someone’s life at a higher place that I actually have. Sheesh. Swallowing that without water was hard.

Necessary lessons come out of hard experiences.

Sadly, no matter what I’ve been told, it’s all been a lie.

I don’t care, I don’t care I DON’T CARE!! The husband who loved me…not enough not to fuck a few other people while we were married.

The dude(s) who said, I was some kind of special that then seemed to disappear AFTER my divorce was final. WTF!!

The one who loved everything about me but didn’t want me to do the things I LIKED. huh????

Then the one who just did the complete opposite of all the things he said were important. Quit talking to me sir.

I mean, I believe that there is actually piss in the pool of dating or liking or talking to folks, cause what the entire fuck is happening!!!! I am sure, it’s just me right? As per usual, I’m the problem. Oddly enough I know that is not the case. Cause how? How is it to much to ask your husband not to stick his penis in another couple of women none of which was me? How is it too much to ask the brother who said communication was sooooo important only for him not to communicate? Like what the fuck man? How am I this amazing creature and you are in my presence and treat me like I might have cooties, cause you didn’t touch me at all!!! Did I smell? Was I ugly in real life? Cause HOW!!!!!! SIGH.

I am tired and today this came across my feed. TIRED. T-Torn apart, I-Irritate, R-Regretting EVERYTHING, E-Extremely Exhausted and D-Drowning. Yes, I am tired. I felt that with the entirety of my soul. Some days are more exhausting than others and some days I say FUCK THESE PEOPLE cause I don’t have the energy to give to people that can’t or won’t return said energy. Whew. This was supposed to make me feel better after I wrote it…it’s not working. I don’t know, and as of this moment it doesn’t matter. I just needed to get that, as like many of my other works, out of my head. Only for some other shenanigan shit show to start.

The comedy and tragedy which is life. There is nothing like it. I wouldn’t trade my plights for anyone else’s but I would like to give them back…not for a new one just give it back. Life, the longest thing we do, but can be so fleeting. The moments come and go and if you aren’t careful can leave you wondering where did your life go. Enjoy the moments, even if they suck (there’s a reason, somewhere) laugh a lot; at yourself, with others and at random people. Learn to accept your feelings and deal with them lil demons. They are there for a reason and pretending they aren’t doesn’t make them go away. They go and get friends and come back bigger, deal with them while they are small. Trust me on that one. Eat and drink and be merry, even if it’s alone. You can’t be good company for others if you don’t like yourself. That’s awful.

Above all else know who you are. No matter what the people of your past told you (none of which you have to believe) you are made the way God designed. That’s not an excuse to be an asshole but I guess that’s on you…you know who you are!!!

I love hard, care too much, stupid emotional and a few other nuggets no need to share. That’s me at my core and I won’t apologize for being being me, but I won’t allow anyone to walk over me any more, so that might yield me not nice and that’s ok. Cause fuck you dude.

I will not be a door mat, whooping board, or any other form of abuse tactic. Been there and have way too many souvenirs for it. I’m good. I don’t know if this work, or any of the others are even useful to anyone. I write what’s on my heart and in my head to help with the cacophony that surrounds me so that I can try to have solace from time to time. Life even at it’s worse times, is still good. I am loved, I return love. I laugh and people (some) seem to like me, and for those small things I am ever grateful.